Into The Abyss

Some Good Advice

2008-09-09T22:58:00.002-04:00

Driving home today I read a sign in front of a church that said "Don't let the world change you, you change the world." It made me think about how cynical I can be sometimes. It's sad how happy and optimistic we start off as when we are children, and then as we grow older we lose that innocence. When I was younger I truly wanted to change the world. When I learned of an injustice, my first thought was to figure out a way to correct it. Now I've grown complacent and it just seems like the status quo. I think it's time we all try to go back to the mindset of changing the world and stop letting it change us. I'm going to vow to make the world a better place, even if it's just with little steps.

Very Funny Commercial

2008-08-30T21:05:00.003-04:00

I found a commercial that's even funnier than the one for "Pet Pain Spray". Think about that for a second. Shouldn't it be called "Pet Pain Relief Spray"? Anyway, this commercial makes me think of Sammy trying to do this.

Back to Awesome

2008-08-29T21:15:00.002-04:00

Time to start posting again! To celebrate my going back to OSU and the start of the new Buckeye season, here's a little something for your viewing pleasure.

The Beginning of a New Era

2008-06-24T22:32:00.002-04:00

So after separating 3 months ago, trying to reconcile, and now separating again, it looks like I am getting divorced. The reasons are common: I can't trust him, he lies, he cheats, etc. I absolutely hate the idea of the kids growing up with divorced parents, which was the motivation behind giving him a last chance 2 months ago. Obviously nothing changed, so here I am. I have the kids and I'm back to my hometown, living in my old house with my dad. I also went back to my high school job (though I'm a manager now) so it's really freaky, like I went through a timewarp or something! Anyway, I haven't posted for a long time and all this drama is the culprit. That's the irony of blogging. When something worth blogging about happens, it keeps you too busy to actually write about it.

The return of the BSOD

2008-03-27T09:08:00.002-04:00

I can't believe it reared its ugly head again after so long. For those of you who don't speak Geek, I'm not talking about my period. I'm not 100% what caused it yet. I updated my display driver and Java in an attempt to play a MMORPG (another Geek acronym). After about 3 minutes of lame game play, the BSOD popped up and my computer restarted. I think I just sat in disbelief with my jaw slighly gaping until the restart was complete. I'm still in shock. It's been years. It's okay, I feel myself entering the second stage of grieving: Anger. Now excuse me while I throw this laptop against the wall.

Chocolate Lasagna

2008-03-23T21:07:00.005-04:00

My favorite thing to eat used to be Chocolate Lasagna from Olive Garden, then the d-bags there decided to nix it from the menu. WTF? Somehow their lame attempt at cheesecake escaped the menu purge. I've been so bitter about it that I haven't been back. I know it's been 2 years or more, but I can really hold a grudge. Besides, since then I've found 2 really good Italian restaurants: Buca di Beppo, which even sends me gift cards every few months, and an amazing local place called La Scala in Dublin. Anyway, back to the original point, I made Chocolate Lasagna myself today for Easter and it was amazing. It was just as good as Olive Garden's was. Here's a picture of my work of art:

Take that Olive Garden! Next I'm going after your breadsticks.

To Be Continued...

Most Over Played Song of 2008

2008-03-21T16:13:00.003-04:00

So about a quarter of the way into the year, there seem to be 2 songs competing for this title. Apologize by OneRepublic and Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park. I'm as shocked as everyone else that Nickelback doesn't seem to be putting up much of a fight...yet. Of course there's a little more than 9 months to go before the year is over. As long as we don't have another Thong Song or Yeah! to pierce our eardrums this year, I'll probably be able to deal with minimal complaining.

A Public Service Announcement

2008-03-08T14:43:00.002-05:00

If you'd like to be as cool as me (and more desirable than less than 20% of people) then you should know where to find all the episodes of 2 pretty awesome shows.

You can watch Arrested Development at http://arresteddevelopment.msn.com

You can watch the original Star Trek series at http://www.cbs.com

That is all.

I Always Do What I'm Told

2008-03-08T14:36:00.002-05:00

Here's a clip from the Jimmy Kimmel Show with a rebuttal to Sarah Siliverman and Matt Damon's video. Why would I put a second clip from a show I don't watch on my fabulous blog? Two reasons. 1. It's decently funny (though not as much as the first) and chances are that you missed it because you are a cool enough person to realize that if you're awake that late, you should be watching Conan O'Brian. 2. My dad told me I should. Considering he's 1 of the probably 6 people who have read my blog, I best do whatever it takes to make my readers happy. So this one's for you Papa!

Nobody Thinks I'm Not Not Desirable

2008-03-07T18:22:00.003-05:00

I got this e-mail from some app for facebook with the subject of: Kate, you are more desired than less than 20% of all people. The doubletalk caught my interest so I opened up the e-mail.

"In total, you were reviewed for dating 5 times and no people expressed interest in you. You are more desirable than less than 20% of 23,341,628 people."

That was definitely the pick me up I needed today. Oh wait, reading it a second time I realized it was not a compliment...at all. BURN! I don't remember putting myself up to be reviewed for dating either, considering I'm married.

My BFF Rush

2008-03-05T20:58:00.002-05:00

Today Rush Limbaugh, my political doppelganger, was talking about a Clinton/Obama ticket. He was talking about how it'd be the first time a woman and an African-American would be on a major party ticket, and he said they "didn't have a prayer". All I have to say to that is Huckabee had plenty of prayers and look where he is now.

When Hilary and/or Barack go to the White House, I'm going to send Rush a fruit basket with a little prayer card. If McCain ends up in the White House, I'm never going to mention this again so that Rush nor anyone else can say "I told you so." This message may self-destruct in early November.

Worst. Blogger. Ever.

2008-03-05T20:40:00.002-05:00

Things have been super busy since I moved back to Columbus. OK, no excuses. I'm a lazy blogger! While I was gone from the blog I:

Endorsed Hilary Clinton (You can thank me for winning Ohio anytime Hilary!)
Rescued a baby from the clutches of death
Recovered from the plague
Cleaned up several toxic waste sites (You should see what the plague does to poopy diapers...)
Finished the NY Times Sunday crossword puzzle IN PEN!

Yeah, so I exaggerated a bit. I only started the crossword and it was in the Columbus Dispatch and it was in crayon.

Glad to be back

The Terrorists Won?

2008-02-14T10:02:00.002-05:00

Last night I got on msn.com to play some games. On their home page there was a link to an article called "Did the terrorists cause the housing mess?" The writer tried to make a connection between 9/11 and the current mortgage crisis. I want to challenge this writer and Guiliani to a verbal duel. I'm curious as to which one could try to turn the most topics to 9/11 or terrorism. Maybe terrorists are responsible for global warming. I guess that would make Al Gore the new leader to the war on terrorism.

Speaking of the mortgage crisis, tomorrow I move in to my old house in Columbus. The one that we couldn't sell. I'll probably be offline (gasp!) until Sunday or Monday.

Rehab

2008-02-12T13:30:00.001-05:00

It appears that if I want to really make it as a celebrity (you know, be on TMZ) I'm going to have to either go to rehab or a mental ward. It seems to be even better if you go for something that most people wouldn't even consider a problem. Just ask Delta Burke. She's in the hospital for hoarding. I don't know one person who doesn't have a cluttered basement or garage (or both in my case). So I've decided I should go to rehab for internet addiction. At first the idea of going 28 days without the internet sounded scary and, frankly, very inconvenient. Then I remembered the stars' secrets. First, I could always have a friend smuggle in an iPhone. Second, I could always leave for "an appointment" and stop at a starbucks and get a quick fix of WiFi. And last, if all else fails, I can just leave early. Finishing rehab isn't the fad, you just have to go. If I do finish, I wonder if they have an internet activity detection ankle monitor that I can wear after I leave. I wonder if it would be bluetooth capable.

Decisions, Decisions

2008-02-11T13:55:00.000-05:00

I just realized how backwards my decision making process is. I recently changed face washes, and it took me 4 days of researching online to decide which one I wanted to start. I overanalyze every small decison in my life, but I seem to make the really big, important decisions with almost no thought at all. For example, I picked out what college I was going to in 15 minutes. When I decided at the last minute to graduate from high school early, it was past the admissions deadline for Fall at every school. We called OSU and got accepted with a scholarship over the phone. Then I drove over there, took a tour, and filled out the paperwork. I never considered OSU until then. I planned the major details of my wedding in about 2 hours. I spent 0 minutes deciding on whether or not to have a baby both times since they were "surprises". (Seriously though, they're the best things to ever happen to me.) Using that logic, if Kevin is ever in a coma it'll probably take me 30 seconds to decide whether or not to pull the plug and 3 days to decide on the coffin. Wow, my kids and husband are going to hate me if they ever read this...

Top Ten Things I Won't Miss in Cleveland

2008-02-11T10:33:00.000-05:00

10. The worst drivers in America
9. Finding 10 check cashing places before you can find an ATM
8. Speed traps with hidden speeding cameras
7. Sports teams that choke during national title games
6. The beach filled with used condoms and makeshift crack pipes
5. Sulfuric acid attacks on the buses
4. The guy that walks around downtown randomly punching women on the street
3. The people that watch that guy and walk by but are happy to do an interview for TV later
2. Being stuck in Labor and Delivery triage next to someone who tested positive for TB
1. Lake effect snow

Hillbillies

2008-02-10T19:09:00.000-05:00

Angie called to tell me she almost got into a fight with a hillbilly at Walmart (because where else would a hillbilly be on a Sunday night?). She had about 16 items so she went into the 20 items or less lane. Underneath the "20 items or less", the sign says "7 am to 10 pm". She said while she was waiting, a hillbilly behind her threw up his arms and said "B****, it looks like you have more than 7 items!" Knowing Angie, she let this guy have it. She replied, "No it doesn't, but it sure as hell looks like I have less than 20. If your ignorant illiterate a** could read you wouldn't look so stupid." She continued to unload on him and got the whole line laughing at him. I assumed she was just calling him a hillbilly because he annoyed her, so I asked a few key questions to decide if he was the real deal.

Was he missing any teeth? Yes, several
What was he wearing? Overalls

Ding, Ding! Now if only his name was Cletus. He probably really was illiterate!

Six Degrees

2008-02-10T16:38:00.000-05:00

I was up for a 3 am feeding, and when I'm sleep deprived and awake at that hour my mind tends to race through all sorts of random thoughts. Suddenly I was able to connect Bill Cosby to Kevin Bacon. I'm the queen of the game Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. I'm so awesome at it that I used it to entertain my classmates 7 years ago on a bus trip in Spain. I've only ever been stumped once, and it was on that trip. It was Bill Cosby. I had to solve it by using TV shows, which I consider cheating. Then out of nowhere, I figured it out 7 years later. I didn't even realize I was thinking about it. Bill Cosby was in Meteor Man with Don Cheadle. Don Cheadle was in Mission to Mars with Gary Sinise. Gary Sinise was in Apollo 13 with Kevin Bacon. Only 3 steps! How was that so hard for me before? Now I've started my Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon fascination again.

Poor Huckabee

2008-02-09T09:33:00.000-05:00

I'm watching CNN right now (big surprise!) and they're showing a live feed of Huckabee giving a speech. They've actually been cutting in and out of it for the past 20 minutes or so. How long can this guy talk? Anyway, he started telling this story about how hard it was for him to be a conservative. He said the Democrats nailed shut his office door for the first 59 days while he was a Lt Governor, people wouldn't ride in the elevator with him, and people wouldn't shake his hand while he went to cafes because he had the audacity to be a conservative (his words, not mine). So he spent his first 59 days in office locked out? He couldn't have had that fixed? What did he do his first 2 months? When I think about opression in the South, the first thing I think about is a white man who can't get people to shake his hand or ride an elevator with him. Yep, that's the worst case of discrimination to happen in Arkansas. Poor conservatives.

One quote of his that stuck out was this: "I didn't major in math. I majored in miracles." Catchy. So he's an expert in miracles, huh? He also told a story about a woman in Tennessee that told him that after the tornados her yard sign for his campaign was still standing tall among all the destruction. She said it was a miracle, and apparently Huckabee should know! I didn't major in miracles like the Huck, but I would think a real miracle would be 50+ people not dying and a whole lot of other people not losing everything they own. Guess I need some more schooling.

Writer's Strike

2008-02-08T23:48:00.001-05:00

I really hope the writer's strike ends soon. There's only so much reality tv and game shows they can air. Pretty soon NBC is going to have to rename their network Deal or No Deal because they seem to be adding it to every night and extending it to 1.5 and 2 hours long. They must keep Howie Mandell in a cage or something. Anyway, I have an idea if the strike doesn't end soon. It's a reality show called The Scab. It's a show for non-WGA writers who want to write a show on their own. The winner gets their show produced. Whatever network picks it up gets a new reality show and a sub-standard new drama or comedy while others show re-runs. Hey Fox, I think this sounds right up your alley!

I Was Just Attacked!

2008-02-04T15:33:00.000-05:00

What did I do to provoke this vicious attack? Absolutely nothing! Unlike a roast I don't get better if left to stew in my own juices, so I got a shower. While showering I noticed a spider in the bathroom, but I figured I would just leave him alone. Suddenly, he starts coming right at me. With nothing to defend myself, I start slapping into the stream of water to try to drown him. When this proved to be futile, I retreated. My foe was a worthy opponent, but alas, no match for my secret weapon: the vaccuum.

R.I.P. Charlotte

Silverman

2008-02-04T11:59:00.000-05:00

Here's a clip from the Jimmy Kimmel Show that is just so funny that I considered starting to watch this show for 10 whole seconds!

Mustaches

2008-02-04T11:38:00.000-05:00

I was having a conversation about mustaches with a friend of mine. It seems like the only people who have them are:
1. Firefighters/police officers
2. Awkward high school boys who have just hit puberty
3. Old men who have a huge beard too (This includes ZZ Top)
4. Men 20-40 something who are creepy and tend to either get arrested often or interviewed by a local TV station because their neighbor has been arrested.

The last group has made the "molester stache" more prevalent recently. Not everyone with the molester stache is a pedophile or sexual deviant, but I bet 90% of sex offenders have one. I'm tempted to look on one of those family watchdog sites and see if that's accurate.

I told my friend that I'd like to see the handlebar mustache come back. I tried to convince him to grow one and I would chronicle it on here. He didn't take the bait. If anyone else would like to try to bring it back, I'd be happy to put your pictures on here. I did a little research, and it requires mustache wax to acheive it. You can order this online. Just think about the benefits of growing a handlebar mustache:
1. You'll definitely stand out in a crowd
2. Automatic conversation starter
3. If you ever get in trouble with the law, just shave it off and you won't get identified in a line up
4. You can play with the ends with your pinky finger
5. You let people know that you don't care what other people think of you
6. You might get lucky with the ladies (should you visit a retirement home)

Kevin refused to grow one for me. I wonder if he would be mad if I drew one in with a sharpie while he slept.

Myspace

2008-02-03T01:20:00.000-05:00

So I just went to Myspace after finishing my last post. Right there on the homepage under "cool videos" there's once called Baby Wassup. You smell that? The sweet smell of vindication.

I'm Such A Horrible Human Being

2008-02-03T00:59:00.000-05:00

OK, when other people start using my catch phrase it begins to cast doubt on my status as a horrible human being. It stops being funny and melodramatic and starts being common and then annoying. Remember "Wassup?" The progression of its use in society is a illustration of the life of a catch phrase. First, it was original and hilarious. Next, a bunch of people start saying it. It's still catchy, but not really funny anymore. Then, it becomes so mainstream that even middle-aged men living in their parents basements start saying it in internet chatrooms. This is when it dies. The people who started it in the first place refuse to be associated with it. It becomes a social pirhanna. But it can't just die. It still has to be used for a while by the uncoolest of losers until it's such a joke that just using it automatically defines you as an annoying mouth breather. The last part is reincarnation. Eventually 20 years or so from now our kids will think it's totally retro and the cycle begins again.
Back to the original point. Don't say "I'm such a horrible human being" anymore. The first time I see it in an internet chatroom, I'll be forced to fall on my sword. Of course, what would I be doing in an internet chatroom in the first place...?

Groundhog's Day

2008-02-02T18:52:00.000-05:00

So today is Groundhog's Day. Every year I can't help but think about this guy I used to have a crush on back in middle school. We used codenames for our crushs so no one would know who we liked, and this guy's was groundhog. My best friend said he looked like one. Once he never asked me on a second date, I saw the likeness. The nickname stuck, but not fondly. I'd post a picture of him next to a picture of Punxsutawney Phil, but that would be mean...to the groundhog.

Cleveland's Investigative Reporter

2008-02-01T03:05:00.000-05:00

Kevin is slightly obsessed with Carl Monday. I mentioned this in passing to my dad the other day and he told me that Comedy Central did a spoof on him. I vaguely remembered seeing it, but this was back before I moved to Cleveland and learned of the master Monday. I tracked it down on YouTube and watched it again. It is hi-larious!

Then I found this clip where Carl tried to turn the tables, but he just ended up looking like a bigger d-bag.

I wonder if I can still find one of those t-shirts...

McClane in '08!

2008-01-31T19:15:00.000-05:00

So Arnold Schwarzenegger is endorsing John McCain for president and says he's a hero. That's awesome, but I have to wonder if the Arnold could be thinking about John McClane from Die Hard. That seems more like his kind of hero. We'll know for sure if Arnold thanks him for his work at Nakitomi Plaza... Yippee-ki-yay!

Nude Model Strike

2008-01-31T13:45:00.000-05:00

CNN just said that nude models are striking because they want better pay and working conditions. 2 questions: There's a union for nude models? What would better working conditions be? Maybe they want the temperature turned up. I guess it's time to go back to the old method for hiring nude models; bribe some homeless dude with 50 bucks and a shower.

East African Mole Rat

2008-01-31T12:50:00.000-05:00

So the other day I was reading an article about the East African mole rat. It's a cold-blooded mammal, and apparently doesn't feel pain. The article talked about how surprised scientists were that the mole rat showed no signs of pain when burned with acid and stung with the stuff that makes chili peppers hot. Who got the idea to try those things?!? I can't help but picture a Guantanamo Bay for animals where scientists think of the meanest, weirdest experiments to try. True, this mole rat is one hideous animal, but when you look at it do you suddenly feel the urge to douse it in acid? I guess if you do, there's a job out there for you.